As I often do, I answered a question on Quora: “What is the difference between being a nice person and being a people pleaser?” which eventually got merged into “What is the difference between a people pleaser and a genuinely good person?”

People-pleasers will offer/agree/promise to give of themselves, even to the point of exhaustion, whatever those around them want, in order to avoid anyone around them feeling( or more accurately, expressing) any kind of negativity. This behavior often leads the People-Pleasing to overcommit themselves and others, resulting in half-assed attempts to keep all their promises, and it may cause them to overlook long-term outcomes and unintentionally cause serious harm due to things they didn’t think about and didn’t know. When they see injustice they often unintentionally perpetuate it by trying to make up for it themselves to the injured parties( sometimes attempting to guilt-trip bystanders into helping), rather than risk confrontation and negativity by helping the victim(s) hold those actually responsible to account. In a worst-case scenario, people-pleasers may lie just to keep others around them smiling in the moment, and may neglect their own responsibilities or families in trying to meet their excessive obligations. Some people-pleasers are deliberately attempting to deceive others and garner support for questionable causes and future plans, but many are just exhibiting a maladaptive emotional response to some past trauma in which many people around them were upset and they suffered a great loss of some kind( not necessarily in that order, if they were very young). People-pleasers are often confused about why not everyone likes them. When confronted with their failures, they may become depressed and defensive, may be overly apologetic while not actually changing, may make excuses and try to avoid talking about the past, or may choose to label the person who brings it up as ungrateful and make that person an exception to their “helpful” attitude.

Nice people do nice things, i.e., things that make other people happy, or attempt to improve others’ lives when they have an opportunity; but typically, even though they’ll go out of their way to do something nice, regardless of whether anyone appreciates it, those who aren’t people-pleasing know their limits and draw the line. For some of them, the line is whether or not any conflict arises, and even if conflict doesn’t endanger them personally, they’ll often react to it by withdrawing( in contrast to people-pleasers’ attempts to assuage it). Some will instead take whichever side wants to settle things in the simplest or ‘nicest’ way, even if this ignores or perpetuates inequality. Nice people are frequently well-liked, but when those who hold them in high esteem have a serious crisis, especially one which paints them unflatteringly in the public eye, the Nice often are suddenly unavailable or have no help to offer. This doesn’t make their other contributions false, but it’s important to keep in mind—appreciate but don’t depend on them. The motivation of nice-to-a-point people potentially comes down to idolizing someone else’s good deeds as a child, but being criticized, mocked, or taken advantage of during an early attempt to emulate that, or subsequently seeing their hero brought low by some event. Sometimes nice people who are stressed out or in crisis will fall into people-pleasing in an attempt to maintain their self-image as helpful and effective.

Good people also frequently do nice things, but being nice is not the same thing as being good. Good people try to do the right thing whenever they are able, whilst being mindful of their own capacity. When they offer to help or accept a request, they let the person know what other obligations might limit their contributions, and if they find themselves unable to meet their commitments, they let others involved know right away, rather than trying to implement some sort of complicated backup plan without the input of the folks they’re letting down( as a people-pleaser might do). Good people think carefully and realistically about their options and about what matters to them, then they do for others whatever they can manage while still being good to themselves, even if their actions go unnoticed. When they decide to do something, good people stick to it even if their actions make other people unhappy( provided the offended party suffers no actual detriment). However, good people will muster a robust, even shocking, defense if someone with unreasonable expectations or malicious intent attempts to unfairly criticize or victimize them, or in their presence does so to others. Good people, when faced with a conflict, take the challenge head-on; they keep an open mind and never invalidate anyone’s feelings, but are stubbornly committed to a truly fair resolution, insisting that solutions be genuinely reasonable, rather than easy or palatable. This means they can always be reasoned with by someone who is willing to tell them the whole truth and accept fairness, but never bought or bribed by those trying to gain an advantage, and they may even become aggressive if pressed; accordingly, the Good frequently have enemies( people-pleasers are especially prone to be uncomfortable or hostile around them), and good folks often treat these enemies with the same consideration shown to everyone else. Eventually, some of these enemies may become their closest friends, or become inspired to change their own lives and attitudes for the better; while other enemies may endlessly seek to drive them away, or may even successfully destroy their reputation & well-being by capitalizing on conflict. Sad as it is, this shouldn’t be surprising; good people support truly worthy causes, and thus won’t back down until they are thoroughly defeated.

My advice to you is to learn to distinguish these behaviors, don’t people-please( for your own sake and others’), and if you can’t bring yourself to consistently be good, at least be nice and have good judgement. Don’t form or repeat opinions based on secondhand information, and commit yourself to not supporting the angry mobs or vicious rumors that enemies of good people often try to start.