Does this make me look autistic?

Let’s talk about honesty.

  If you ask me “Do I look fat in this?”, I’m probably going to give you one of 3 answers. None of those is my mother’s take on the (socially-)correct response, “Honey, you look fantastic!” if the outfit is remotely acceptable & one thinks the asker likes it, & a noncommital shrug & subject change otherwise. All of my answers assume you actually meant to ask “Do you think that while wearing this outfit I look unpleasantly fat to a greater degree than I look naked or wearing other clothes you’ve seen me in?”.

  If it makes you look bloated & disgusting, I’ll say “Yeah, don’t wear that.”... If you then lament that you don’t have a better alternative I’m going to want to know you why you bothered asking, since you would wear it either way. If you don’t have a logical answer, I may mock or criticize you for asking pointless questions. Note, however, that I don’t ask because I’m looking for a reason to criticize you. I ask because I am curious as to whether there is a good reason I haven’t thought of, so that I won’t overlook it again in the future.

  If you look fatter than you actually are, but not unattractive in it, I’ll probably say “Yeah, but it doesn’t look bad, sowhy does it matter?”.( Perhaps you are planning an attempt to impress someone who is prejudiced against fat people, but then you’d better believe I’ll hound you about why you would give that person an iota of your consideration.)

  If it does not make you look any fatter than you are, I’d be mostly likely to point out “No, but you obviously think it might, since you asked me. If you’re going to keep worrying about that, you shouldn’t wear it.”–you should mind that depending on how distracted or bored/annoyed I am, I might not bother telling you anything else about how you look in it, even if the resulting aesthetic is notably stunning or hideous; if you wear it anyway & it’s a fiasco, I’ll be amused.

  There are special cases, of course.
  If you actually are fat regardless of what you wear, then depending on mood & how close we are, “Yeah, don’t wear that.” might be followed up with “& join a gym.”, an acceptable but fattening outfit might garner “You always look fat anyway, at least you look good in that.”, & an outfit that has no effect on my perception of your weight/girth could provoke “No fatter than usual.”. If you get offended, I’m 100% absolutely NOT going to apologize; I’m going to tell you not to ask me questions, ever, if you might not want my honest opinion.
  If you’re skinny, expect “Where did you get a fatsuit?”, or “Yeah, weird, do you have a pillow under there? Well I like it, you usually look like a twig.” for outfits in which you appear still thin or heavier but average.( If you look genuinely fat, I will probably stammer, furrow my brow, & walk circles around you trying to determine if it’s a trick done with mirrors or what.)

  So, what have we learned? Perhaps you learned to thing twice about asking me things you don’t want to know? Me, I’ve learned that the difference between what neurotypical people call “honesty” & the practice of actually telling the truth is just flabbergasting sometimes. Not that I don’t understand the concept of tact, but I truly DON’T understand the absurd practice of asking questions to which one knows the answer, unless one is looking for confirmation( in which case one should generally phrase it that way, e.g “This makes me look fat, right?”, & anticipate that I will agree unless you’re wrong).

  Yes, I also understand reassurance, but what good is reassurance that eschews the truth for a pleasant lie? If you look fat, why would you want me to lie or avoid anwsering? If I say you look fat but still look fine or even great, why isn’t that good enough? While I absolutely support any effort to improve your health & well-being, you should stop obsessing over rigid standards of beauty that aren’t even realistic for everyone, & learn to love the skin you’re in. I could go off on a huge tangent here, but that will have to wait for another entry.

  For now I’ll just say what’s tried, trite–& true: you’ll be happier when you learn to accept yourself, flaws & all, & work with your quirks instead of against them.( If you don’t know how, I’d be happy to offer some pointers.) The same is true of reality: it’s only when we recognize the truth, no matter how much we want to turn away, that we gain the power to confront it head on & change things.

  So the next time someone asks “How are you?” on a bad day, think twice before saying “Fine.”. Try admitting “Miserable, but hoping I can improve things soon. Thank you for asking. How are you?”. Dealing with people on a more sincere basis, even at such a basic level, can do wonders for your outlook.

–D.R.T.Y.boi E.M.

Shining the Aut Light

Hi there. :-)

  You probably don’t know me yet–maybe even if you think you do. That’s about to change.

  A good place to start is my AutLife Manifesto. After all, that’s what touched all this off–the day when, upset & reeling at a harsh exchange with my beloved the night before, I finally tried, on my Facebook timeline, to make it clear to people EXACTLY what I go through on a daily, &, indeed, moment-to-moment basis.

  The positive response overwhelmed me, & though I had toyed with the idea before, I knew then that I had to write, really write, about my life, my experiences & my worldview–not just for my own benefit, but for every misunderstood soul with this diffability that prevents most from effectively communicating what it’s like. I also wanted to write for the sake of those with other abnormalities–i.e., everyone. ;-) That might sound a little self-important. I do possess a high level of justified self-confidence, surpassed only by my humility. Sadly, I lack any sense of humor or irony whatsoever. ;-p

  Seriously, though, what makes me think my story is worth telling? Where would I get the daft idea that a man like me, someone born broken or at the very least destined to be, can make a difference? Well, I’ve helped a lot of people, or so they tell me. I’ve brought my share of smiles into the world. I’ve been credited with improving lives, with changing them for the better; & once or twice, it’s even been said that I saved them. Truth is, though–I don’t know if this can matter. I only know I have to try. I must attempt to repay the kindness that has been shown to me by a world I struggle to be a part of.

  It’s been a good while now since my realization–sometimes it’s hard for me to get started even when I have a good idea. This week, however, it’s clear this idea’s time has come, even though the site here is still in rough shape.( I promise it’ll improve as I go along.) So here goes, time to share perspective on what it means being human, from someone who had to learn to be human the hard way.

  I’m finally ready to make my world better, & if I do my job right, maybe your world will follow. If we work together, who knows? Maybe the world will follow. Hope springs eternal for those who have faith in tomorrow, in themselves, & in their loved ones. I have faith in all of you.

  Let’s get started, then. Full-spectrum illumination for ASD & NT alike awaits, so click on through to the AutLife Manifesto.

–D.R.T.Y.boi E.M.

AutLife Manifesto

2013, August 13th:

  “I’m autistic. In other words, mentally disabled. Pretty severely.[ It’s not just “mild Asperger’s Syndrome”, as we thought for so long.] I cope( cover for it) well. Very well. So well that most of you who have met me don’t think of me as disabled, & those who do think it’s great how well I have dealt with it – & then forget that I am ALWAYS still dealing with it.

  “I have spent over two-thirds of my life observing & analyzing people & learning to interpret their actions with millions of rules, each of which has between dozens & thousands of exceptions & special cases. I have memorized these billions of possibilities & interpretations, because as an autistic person that is my ONLY means to comprehend things that, for a neurotypical individual, are instinctively obvious; & I spend hours & hours every day imagining dozens or hundreds of possible scenarios & how those algorithms might apply, as well as organizing myriad facts in my head that will affect the outcomes.
  “Still, it’s far from perfect, I get predictions wrong or encounter surprises that slow me down hundreds of times a day. People often accuse me of overthinking, well, YOU would be overthinking if you thought about your interactions with others this much instead of just using your instincts; for ME that same level of thought is the only way, what with lacking those instincts, to avoid missing or misunderstanding literally( & I MEAN literally) everything anyone says & does.

  “& I know that I can be difficult to understand or react to when lost in thought, & I can cause stress to others when I am emotional, sometimes seemingly at random from their perspective; but I wonder if anyone ever appreciates that EVERY interaction I have with anyone, EVER, even the pleasant ones, is potentially just as taxing for me as I am at my most difficult for them. When I am close to people, know them well, it gets much easier, yes; but it is NEVER effortless. It is NEVER simple. It is NEVER, EVER not difficult & draining; at _best_, it is like working hard at a tough job you really love; it is worth doing, eventually some little things are second nature, & either the job or the results are fulfilling for you, but you still end up exhausted when you do it for hours on end. Often, though, it is harder, MUCH harder, even uncomfortably hard... just like listening to me have a breakdown or get frustrated & pissed is uncomfortable for the other people in my life.

  “I don’t generally whine about it because that really doesn’t help, & I don’t want to be seen that way. Everybody talks about the weather... So I fucking did something about it. I learned. I spent around EIGHTEEN YEARS learning to do this, to even _speak_ to you. To look you in the eye. To have the *slightest* inkling of what you might mean when it’s not identical to what you say. To interact with the world in a way that not only makes sense to me, but also does not stress other people by appearing excessively strange( I know I will always be somewhat strange, so I strive to just not be unduly stress-causing with it). 18 years is a good deal longer than it takes many people to get a doctoral degree, & I had NO mentors, NO role models, no one who even understood what I wanted/needed to learn, including me sometimes( nothing is more important to know than what it is you don’t know).
 “It took( & still takes, not done learning or implementing), *fuck modesty*, a brilliant mind, a lot of fucking talent, a will of adamant, & enough love to see Hercules through 12,000 labors. & out of that love I try to do the best I can, for everyone, all the time, & see the best in most of the worst folks; because really, we’re amazing, human beings: 3 pounds of little grey cells & a couple hundred pounds of other, & all this stuff I work so hard on is just, *automatic*, for the ones who aren’t broken like this; & in addition to that, somewhere in most of us humans with our 3 lb. brains is the capacity to take other unfamiliar things & just do what I did, put in the effort & *make* something, a system or a tool, to handle just about everything else; not only to survive or feel good, but even to try to make the whole world better, in accordance with our own ideals of what that means.
 “How can you not admire, & so come to respect, & so, inevitably, come to truly love anything so wondrously unique & unlikely, & so brimming with power & potential, as a human being? Every single person embodies all that, & I can’t not know & see & feel that, even when I find them difficult.

  “So I’m sorry if it comes across as selfish & weird & maybe arrogant when I’m a little frantic to understand or plan or deal with things; when I’m impatient; when I don’t make perfect sense, when I ask or tell you to do something without a good explanation beforehand. But, sometimes, when someone close to me is shutting down on me because I am wound up or confused, & I am asking dozens of questions s/he doesn’t think matter, or upset about something s/he doesn’t understand & won’t/can’t listen to me explain; I wonder why, if I suck it up constantly & deal with all of you( who all make just as little sense to me in my true mind) someone who likes or even loves me can’t suck it up & deal with the more uncomfortable side of me once in a while?
  “& maybe a part of me is afraid, in my insecurity, that no matter how good at playing normal-ish I get, I’ll never be good enough for anyone but my parents to love me that much.”

Thanks for reading.

–D.R.T.Y.boi E.M.

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Date: Mon, 26 Mar 2012 18:44:52 -0400

Subject: Re: Prevention With Positives - Jason/John/Diego/James/Jesse

From: Melissa Paradice <melissa@christinewyse.com>

To: "APLYMOUTHGUY@MSN.COM" <APLYMOUTHGUY@MSN.COM>

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Thread-Topic: Prevention With Positives - Jason/John/Diego/James/Jesse

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Great!

Attached is the copy. Please be familiar with both james and diego.

Diego is a 27-year-old gay Hispanic male who lives in New York City. He has

been living with HIV for two years and but just started treatment three

months ago. He takes Atripla once a day at bedtime, but he is struggling to

keep up with his doses due to the side effects and because he often works

late at his restaurant job.

James is an HIV-negative 29-year-old gay Hispanic male. Diego and James hav=

e

been dating for over a year. They try to use condoms every time, and Diego

worries about transmitting HIV to James. James wants to be supportive and

help Diego take his meds, but he=B9s not sure how.

Melissa Paradice

Casting Director

Christine Wyse Casting

617-424-6805

melissa@christinewyse.com

----------------------------------------------

This transmission is intended only for use by the addressee(s) named herein

and may contain information that is proprietary, confidential and/or legall=

y

privileged. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified

that any disclosure, copying, distribution, or use of the information

contained herein (including any reliance thereon) is STRICTLY PROHIBITED. I=

f

you received this transmission in error, please immediately contact the

sender and destroy the material in its entirety, whether in electronic or

hard copy format. If you are the intended recipient, you are hereby notifie=

d

that forwarding of the information contained within this email is STRICTLY

PROHIBITED. Thank you.

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<meta http-equiv=3D"Content-Type" content=3D"text/html; charset=3Diso-8859-=

1"><title>Re: Prevention With Positives - Jason/John/Diego/James/Jesse</tit=

le>

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<font face=3D"Verdana, Helvetica, Arial"><span style=3D"font-size:12.0px">G=

reat!<br>

<br>

Attached is the copy. &nbsp;Please be familiar with both james and diego.<b=

r>

<br>

<b>Diego</b> is a 27-year-old gay Hispanic male who lives in New York City.=

He has been living with HIV for two years and but just started treatment t=

hree months ago. He takes Atripla once a day at bedtime, but he is struggli=

ng to keep up with his doses due to the side effects and because he often w=

orks late at his restaurant job.<br>

<br>

<b>James</b> is an HIV-negative 29-year-old gay Hispanic male. Diego and Ja=

mes have been dating for over a year. They try to use condoms every time, a=

nd Diego worries about transmitting HIV to James. James wants to be support=

ive and help Diego take his meds, but he&#8217;s not sure how.<br>

<br>

Melissa Paradice<br>

Casting Director<br>

Christine Wyse Casting<br>

617-424-6805<br>

melissa@christinewyse.com<br>

----------------------------------------------<br>

</span><font size=3D"2"><span style=3D"font-size:10.0px">This transmission =

is intended only for use by the addressee(s) named herein and may contain i=

nformation that is proprietary, confidential and/or legally privileged. If =

you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any disclo=

sure, copying, distribution, or use of the information contained herein (in=

cluding any reliance thereon) is STRICTLY PROHIBITED. If you received this =

transmission in error, please immediately contact the sender and destroy th=

e material in its entirety, whether in electronic or hard copy format. If y=

ou are the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that forwarding of t=

he information contained within this email is STRICTLY PROHIBITED. Thank yo=

u. &nbsp;<br>

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--B_3415632294_2120873--

Listen: A Poem...

[poem]

I don’t know how to begin.
Now is the winter-
...winter is what’s left for us. & it’s a sin.
Too much time is never enough; too much rhyme is gonna get tough
so let’s
be

free... to find the words that really. Express, me.
What’s in my heart since you left, since I spoke, & you didn’t listen
.
Walked out the door & passed me off someone else’s problem “see what you can do”.

I’ve got feelings too. Passion, compassion, fashioned into:
a heart; living, beating. A mind; racing, thinking. A soul; hoping praying, wishing wanting.
A man,
& he didn’t blame you, or not you alone. With or without you I  a l w a y s  blame-


me.
But you heard, what you expected to hear. What you heard all those times
I said it. & still when I didn’t -you heard in your mind( is’t nobler?). But it wasn’t from my mind,
or heart or soul. I am not that boy. I am that man, so I spoke other words
but you don’t listen.

I’m not that man




that you hoped for. Wished for. Dreamed of; wanted me to be

wanted me to be... on that road... I took the other, without you;
it wanted wear. It calls to me. & you don’t listen
-
I’ll never be
.
I can’t( I cant)-
...be what I’m not. But I’m a good man, a kind man,
a strong man, & honest.( Is’t?) I do wish the man I am
could be the right man for you, but not to be the man I’m not. That man, not; yet I’m
an honest man & if I couldn’t be whom you wanted I at least
told you whom I am. But you don’t see me

as I am; I told you whom I am. And that I love. And I love you.
I always say a real love is forever, no matter what.
But you don’t listen.

And I yelled but the distance
(the distance) is too great. And I made it wider. & I’m sorry
I yelled. I just wanted to be heard, but it always feels like- you don’t listen.

I remember when we smiled, & laughed. And rolled in the grass & flew on the summer breeze.
And now when we forget, for a minute, winter; we smile & we dream & exist. But nothing gold
can... Now tears race down my cheeks, fall on my hands.

I am good I am kind I am honest. I am shrewd I am aware I am thoughtful.
I am proud I am stubborn I am sure. I am hot I am cold I am severe. I am you
& not at all you; will, never be. I’m me; I am only the man I was meant to be; I am also the man you made me, too.
(I play on the world stage as once on a stone, when the sky would be falling; dear Atlas.)
And everyone else, they made me /tu/. The voices cry out in me, have life in me; ...but you don’t listen.

I can’t be anything but what I am in each moment. I wouldn’t if I could, I love me- thanks to you. Most people don’t

love themselves. Ever. It’s an immeasurable treasure.
I owe each & every person who has loved me, they are legion; & you among the most of all. Thank you

& I’m sorry I yelled. We can’t take back the past... or I would steal back precious heat; & I’d hold
you holding me.

I love you & I’m sorry & I wish we could go back
and fly kites ’til the summer sun sets
but you’ll probably never know. You’ll never know if you don’t listen.
In our grassy field there’re no more children( leaf subsides...),
will never again be children.( I’ll find a new field for my children.) Still I’m waiting in the old field

but you don’t see me.
’Cuz you won’t see me.
And you won’t listen.


Listen.


Listen: A Poem for My Father

[© October, 2011, orriginally posted at http://AJournalGuy.LiveJournal.com/80532.html]

National Coming Out Day

I'm gay. I suspect you knew this( otherwise, please go to the service center and get your gaydar checked out), but in honor of National Coming Out Day, I thought I’d say it again today.

I encourage everyone, from not gay to completely out, to take a step today.

If you are mostly or completely closeted come out to at least one new person, or a whole social circle; step into the light and breathe the sweet air of freedom.

If you are already largely out, but maybe not entirely, I challenge you to make it official and complete, to set an example for those who will come after you- “But,” you say, “it’s just a *part* of who I am, and besides, it’s not most people’s business.”; well, maybe it should be: if you think it’s not important, consider how your reluctance looks to those living in fear; after all, if it’s really as unimportant as you claim, if you honestly are not just afraid, then why not mention it, even to those distant coworkers, *today[ or this week]*, when you have an excuse, no, an important REASON to come out, instead of continuing to let it fall by the wayside?

If you are totally out and unashamed, or a non-GLBTQ ally, remind those you know who are closeted that wherever and whenever they come out, today, this week, or in 20 years, there are people like you who have seen or been through it before and will be there to support them and show them unconditional love.

And if you are really stuck in the closet and cannot tell anyone, but you see this... I promise, it gets better. Hang in there. Someday, you will find the place where you can be you, and I know you will be amazing. *hugs*

Know that I am here for all of you. If you have a problem, come to me, always.

This is Not the Beginning

This is not the beginning: The blog actually starts here, on May 2nd, 2014. All entries dated earlier than that are actually back entries imported from my LiveJournal or social media. So go start with Shining the Aut Light.